et en français

C’est un peu étrange, mais je pense qu’après j’ai commencé d’étudie le russe, je m’oublier beaucoup de le français. Donc, en réponse, j’ai décidé d’écris temps au temps jusqu'à je me souviens. Mais, ce n’est pas, peut-être, pour longtemps jusqu’à je commence. Pour le plus partie c’est parce que j’ai le LSAT ce lundi, le 11 juin, et mon anniversaire et ce samedi, le 9 juin. Je n’est pas finit le cours de le russe jusqu’à le 20 juin aussi. Mais, peut-être un jour j’aurai prendre le temps d’écrive un petit commentaire pour le petit monde qui lisent mon journal.

(J’étais écrive les journaux en le russe temps au temps aussi.)

по-русски

Здравствуйте! Меня зовут Дарси. Я живу в Мичигане и мне двадцать один год. Я изучаю английская литература и история в мичиганском университете. Я буду учиться на юридическом факультете будущий год. Я играю на гитаре и люблю говорить по-французски и я начала изучать русского.

So...I really just can't wait for college to be over....

Cabin Fever

Have  you ever just gone stir-crazy and lost your mind? I did today.

I woke up this morning at 6am. Thought I had class at 8am, which....I usually do, but....it's Friday...and I didn't have class until 10. When I realized that...I thought...well fuck. No way in hell I'm going to finish the rest of the 600 page reading assignment that I was up until 2 doing. Then I thought...I don't even want to bother to try...and...I already know that I'm going to be asked to comment on, or work with the one text that I didn't manage to read...now, that's just sod's law.

I also realized that...I haven't had any "me" time in a very long time. I've even lost track of the days and the hours. So...I decided....to escape it altogether. So, I bundled up, strapped on my gym shoes and ran. Just....ran.

I didn't feel the cold. I didn't have a thought. I just....went numb...I just....stretched my legs and went wherever the hell they wanted to go. I just detoxed....two hours of magnificent detox...I didn't even feel tired.

Then i got home, stood in the warm shower as long as the water lasted (8 minutes) then thought.....holy fuck my legs hurt.

Then I cleaned my apartment and went to the second class of the day.

Went home, did laundry and homework...

Went to work

Went back home ate some dinner and chugged away on my history paper and all the other homework that is bashing my skull in

And...went to work...here I sit, taking a break from homework....and....hotel work.....and thinking....I'm I actually....here right now? 'Cause honestly, I feel like I've been asleep for the past three weeks. It's all just a dream. Just a giant, bad dream....I'm going to wake up soon, and it will be the beginning of February again....and I'll have a second chance to do everything right.

I'm lost, but I'm not confused

I'm numb, but I'm still alive

I'm here, and yet I'm gone

I'm thinking....but I don't really care.

PS. I cancelled my date with Andy. I decided that...I don't want to go out with someone that I could potentially like...because...at this point in my life, I feel like I just need someone. I want to know that if I like someone, I like them for who they are...not becaus I need someone to hold me up.

Now, can you say that to me without screeching like a howler monkey?

So, today was one of those rare days where I wake up, and for no reason, what-so-ever...I am happy. Usually this comes after I have gone through an unusually depressive episode, things have been rough and i just filtered through that stage of no emotion...as happened in this case.

But like every time that I have the...happy, maybe god really does give a shit about me...I can keep doing this living thing...maybe I'm just making things hard on myself....well...

for once in a very long time, I am purely happy....and everyone else is all shitty and shit-head-like.

WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT?

Seriously!

It's like...when I'm happy, and I think that everything is going well, out of no where...with no hint or cause...people just attack! it's like...every five minutes I get hypothetically bitch-slapped.

So, about middway through this day I was back at home (between work shifts) and....I'm washing dishes and I'm thinking about all the cruel things that people said and....the nasty looks and the....epitome of everything evil that this day produced and how...I was happy....but...well....

I was washing dishes and listening to breaking benjamin on my ipod (usually this makes me monumentally happy) and I just get to thinking about...how shitty those people make me feel, and how shitty my life is...and then....for the first time since the last happy day that I had..I'm crying. I put the dish brush down, turn off the water and just cry. Just let it all out.

I don't cry when I'm depressed...I don't cry when I'm going through hell....

I cry when I'm happy and having a good day BECAUSE...it's when I realize that for some stupid, idiotic reason....people are always going to be there to bring you down. People are always going to be shitty, and ass holes and every day of your life, you are going to be metaphorically bitch-slapped whether or not you deserve it.

Let's face it....if there's a higher power out there...their power is against me...it's like..I can't be happy....I'm not allowed to be happy...even forbid I'm having a good fucking day...lets toss her into a giant sinking sand pit of doom.

but....then again....when I finally achieved clean dishes....I got to thinking...here's another reason I run away from people....it's not just because I somehow on a dillusional level feel as though I don't deserve happiness (as....obviously it appears to be so) or I'm afraid to have it and then have it shattered again and again and again (as it has in the past) but....I'm afraid of that person turning into a shit.

It's a well known fact that...I, rather naively,  put everyone on a pedistal when I meet them. It's a stupid gut instinct...I blame it on my mother...but, i think the fact that I do that, makes everyone's fall from the "grace" I bestow upon them inevitable.

but that still doesn't change the fact that people today were shits...and I don't understand why I'm not allowed to be happy.

Why do people have to say such mean things...things that I don't deserve to have said to me. Why do people take their pain out on me? it's bad enough that they do it when I'm upset and going through hell...but at least at that point, I'm so far gone...beaten up, laying on the ground bleeding...that one more kick in the face isn't going to make much of a difference. But...on these happy days of mine...I'm more like a pinata hanging from a tree. I'm colorful and happy, I'm flying, weightless...full of yummy goodness...and...without asking for it...Some blindfolded little fuck whacks me with a stick over and over and OVER again until all my yummy insides fall upon the tainted ground with my scattered flesh and mesh body.

"I'm metaphorically curled up in the fetal position, and yet you continue to kick me around the ear, nose and throat?!?!" ~ Jack (Will & Grace)

at least, on the brightside....Tommorrow is a summer house roommate reunion + justin. So, that will at least be nice. I don't know....but...I see myself stumbling back into that dark abyss I know so well that it's becoming my home.